A Letter To You
I will never forget those days. The days when you are always with me; in sleeping, in eating, and in drawing our dreams in life.
"Brother, you did great!" You applaud me for dancing.
"Aysus! You're just pleasing me so I can give you five pesos."
You laughed softly because I exposed you effortlessly. "Pretty please," you begged me while sparkling your eyes.
I always try to give you the things you want. Things our own parents never gave you. Love, care, discipline and guidance. Do you still remember? You like to flatter me so I can give you a coin.
I took five pesos from my pocket that I also asked from my friends. "Here." I handed you the coin.
You gave me a kiss on the cheek in return. That kiss is the clearest in my memory. Because I didn’t expect it to be the last.
If I only knew that was going to happen, I would have given you a kiss too. I wish I embraced you tightly. I hope I fulfill the wishes you have been asking for so long.
Hope. I kept hoping but I didn't do a thing.
Daniela, there isn't a day that I don't think about you. You are the only reason I cry. I always wonder how are you? Who will take and fetch you to school? Who will defend you when someone bullies you? Who will pay for your tuition so you can reach your dreams? Who? Our parents are gone because of him, because of Dad.
I know you won’t believe it but that’s the truth. That night, he and Mom were fighting. I woke up because of their noise while you were undisturbed. I don't want to wake up you in your sleep so I gather my courage to pacify the quarrel between our parents.
"Mom, Dad, stop fighting, please. You should continue that tomorrow."
To Dad's surprise, he let out a loud sound. It was deafening and was compounded by my own scream when I saw Mom fall to the floor, lying in a pool of blood.
My vision darkened. My whole body heated up. Unbeknownst to me, I grabbed Dad's gun and pointed it at him.
The only thing on my mind then, if he was able to kill Mom, he also deserved to die because otherwise, he would take my life next and then you. I didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger.
I thought everything would be fine for the two of us. But no, you saw me in that situation. I still remember your look filled with fear. I was ashamed of myself. So instead of standing up for the sin I committed, I left all the weight on you. I left you at a time when you needed a brother.
My shame has become more prevalent than my love for you. I would rather run than hug you.
What did it cost?
I became a beggar. I am hungry every day so sometimes I steal. Whenever there were police I would hide, whether it was in a car or under a car. Later on, I was caught and imprisoned.
I was only released because someone kindly bailed me out of jail.
When I was released, the first thing I did is to look for you and fortunately, I found you. You are still studying there where you used to go.
You grew already and you know how to style your hair. Back then, you always asked for my help.
Can we go back to what we used to do? You and me, siblings and together? I miss you so much, I hope you will forgive me. I promise you I will never leave you again. I will give you everything you want to buy and I will take you on a tour of different parts of the world. I will take care of you more than our parents.
I love you so much, my sister.
Those are the words written on the paper I gave you. When you accepted it together with the dress that I sewed for days, I felt that the thorn had been pulled out of my heart.
My cheek became numb from smiling so big but it immediately faded when you threw the clothes on the grimy road.
"Are you out of your mind?" you ask in an unfamiliar voice. It’s deeper than when we last met but the tone is still there. "Wake up, Brother. I'm no longer a child and I know you're a murderer! You can't change my mind with your gifts."
I sense the eyes focused on me. Students coming out from the school campus stopped and murmured. I bent down to hide my face in my long hair.
You tore the letter I gave you. It slowly fell to the floor where I was staring. I glanced at the clothes on the road that had been run over by a passing car.
It’s only now that I realize that you did just the right thing for me. I thought the hardships I had experienced were enough to make up for the sins I had committed. I made a mistake, because I will regret it for the rest of my life.
"You killed Dad and Mom. You don't know how hard it is to live without a parent and be ridiculed that my brother is a killer! Then now you're coming back? For what? To disturb me!" you shouted with your hoarse voice, sobbing.
I raised my forehead in my desire to calm you down. I opened my arms for you but you pushed me away. Your classmates hugged you and guarded you like a princess.
It's better that I don't come back especially when someone else is already wiping your tears.
"Goodbye," I said before I left.
The world is in slow motion as I step forward. I picked up the dress full of stains and hugged it before continuing.
There was no noise even when I could see a car passing by and students talking. There is only a phrase in my mind saying 'don't cry,' can be heard. My eyes were heavy but I tried to cry inside and look straight at the road, leading to my new home.
Maybe they'll understand if I'm I'll be true to myself here.
"How are you Dan? Are you okay?" Ate Uni called.
I fell on my knees and cried like a child. Ate Uni hugged me and gently patted and caressed my back.
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