Eulogy for my Past Self

Recalling all the memories one by one doesn't make me feel good. It's like listening to the music I least like. But I did so I can thank you for the things you did. Whenever I feel down, you always come to me like "Hey, welcome back!"

I never really like you. You always try to be like a perfect person in the world. Remember the days you've adjusted yourself like a music mixer so you can fit into different vocals? You amplified their happiness but lowered yours. Isolating the possible harmony you can create in order to gain the title of "Good Person." You've been able to help others achieve their beautiful music but how about you? No matter how your frequencies are inverted, compressed, or normalized, no one will be able to hear your sounds of loneliness.

Then a person with the same decibels as yours came into your life. The both of you harmonize beautifully. You didn't notice that you slowly starting to be heard by others. You started to emit your true lyrics. It is because you listened to each other, talked to each other, and laughed to each other. Your noise became the music of real friendship.

You realized that you don't need to become the percussion to guide musicians in the right beat. Sometimes you had to work hard with them, to see who will stay in your orchestra no matter how many times you made a wrong note because real friends accept the real in you. If you have flaws, they will complement it with their strengths. And when they have flaws, you will complement it with your strengths. 

People might see you as dead. But you still live on my memories. Reminding me of what should I be. Because of you, I can finally stand in front of these many people and say that this is me. You may not exist now to hear my words but I still want to say farewell to you, my past self. Because of you, I know how to find happiness and hope in every challenge that comes to my life.

Written in S.Y. 2019-2020